Well, mom's ashes arrived today. I really wasn't expecting to see the box when I walked through the door. There was a box wrapped in brown paper with a return address stamp and my address written in black sharpie marker. For $75.00, you would expect some sort of fancy box with at least a printed address label. Though it did cost over $21.00 dollars to mail the box via the USPS.
I just stood in the doorway and stared at the box. I mean it is not like my mother is really in the box (it is her plus the last couple of people that were cremated before her). She is gone now and what is left are just her ashes. It has just thrown me for a loop because each contact that I have with the lawyer, phone call I make, and now the ashes makes her death more real. Her death is slowly coming close to home for me and I have to realize that it really happened. That I will never be able to run up to her and sweep her up in my arms with a great big hug. I will never get to her her laugh with me again.
It really isn't the ashes that bother me. It is the reality of what I have lost. But on the other hand, my mother has blessed me with many gifts. It it wasn't for her, I would not be the man that I am today.
I know that she will always be with me in my heart. Life has changed and will continue to change.
Mom, I still love you... Please don't ever forget that. I know that you always loved me too. May we both find peace.
Posted by shawn at October 17, 2002 09:00 PMShawn,
I'm not sure what to say but I know I want to say something.
Of course you realize she is gone, but it takes time to let the little things sink in. Those are the most painful I think- they are the little things that creep into your day. A magazine subscription, a song, a birthday... they are all sore, open wounds.
It's difficult enough to find closure with some situations when a person is alive... it's much more difficult when they're not around any more. I really want to put the word closure in quotation marks here, because I don't think it exists. Whatever you have to do, and you'll know what it is as you go along, I think, you do it. It's the only truth now.
Just know that there are people who love you very much and will always love you very much, no matter what happens. Myself included, of course :)
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