Over the past 24 hours, I have been feeling an extremely deep sense of loneliness. It is not derived from the fact that there are not any people around me. Actually, there are many supportive and caring people around me right now. It is a loneliness and emptiness deep inside of my soul. I feel isolated even though there are many people around me.

Last night I cried myself to sleep because I had an intense desire to talk with my mother about my conversation with Jeremy. I knew what she would have told me, but I just wanted to hear her say it to me. To let me know that she cares about me. There was just something so special about talking with my mother. No matter what was going on in my life, she had the power to put my mind at ease. She could make me find value in myself and give me the strength to face the world. I know that the strength is inside of me because there are parts of her in me. I just want to hear her tell me that everything will be all right.

I feel like I am all alone in the world sometimes. That I will never have that close connection to someone. When I found out that she had died, I just wanted to crawl into bed with my nonexistent boyfriend and lay in his arms. I feel that a connection to someone like that would make this process easier.

It is also odd because I no one else is grieving with me. I cannot walk up to someone else and see how they feel or really talk about my mother. No one her really knew her. This makes the pressure to move on even stronger. Today marks the one month date of my mother's death. I am still not functioning on full power, but I feel that there is this expectation that I should be back to normal. My grief seems to make other people uncomfortable because they do not know how to deal with my feelings or even their own feeling about death. Isn't that just a bit unfair. For example, look at my school work. I do have the time to get my work done, but sometimes I just need to do other things. Sometimes spending time with Jordan and Deb is extremely important to me. I need to feel connected to some people. But at the same time, I am not really being productive and getting my work done. It is almost like a no win situation...