Shawn Walker's Blog: Relationship Thoughts...

January 28, 2003

Relationship Thoughts...

Umm, no I am not planning to tell everyone that guys suck and that I should try dating girls. Sorry ladies! All of my questions would probably be answered if I would just read Finding the Boyfriend Within, but I just refuse to read the book on principle.

So, instead of reading I've been spending quite a bit of time thinking about how I relate to those people that I date. In the past, I have tended to just jump into a relationship with some. It isn't like some gradual thing either. I spend hours on the phone with them and then spend massive amounts of time together in person over an extremely short period of time. In one sense, I am getting to know the other person, but in another sense, I am making a commitment without really knowing them.

I strongly feel that there are two ways to know a person. Over a few conversations, you can learn many facts about a person. You learn about their family, job, school, friends, beliefs, etc. This can happen in a short amount of time, but just knowing facts about a person doesn't really mean that you know a person. By talking and spending time together, you get to know the person inside. What makes them tick. It isn't possible to learn how someone will react when scared or when they are unhappy by just talking to them for a little while. This takes time and a lot of energy. Once you start to understand the essence of someone, then you can have a real relationship with them, not just some physical and superficial relationship.

So, why did I say all of this? Well, in the past I have just jumped into things and not given myself or the other person time to learn who we really are. You can't decide if you are compatible with someone over a period of a few hours, days, or weeks. In my next relationship, I want to take some time to get to know the other person before I jump into anything. I need to turn down the intensity and just take things slow. This is what I hope to do when I meet the *next* person... Let's see how this updated strategy works.

Anyone have any thoughts on this??

Posted by shawn at January 28, 2003 02:18 PM

Comments

I think it just depends... like when I met my last few b/f's before Dave I didn't really spend too much time with them right off the bat, but with Dave we spent a lot of time talking on the phone right away, before we even started dating... so really we were friends first.

Knowing you as well as I know you, I think a friends-first situation would be good for you... it's not the quantity of time you spend with someone, it's the quality... and if you go into something thinking it's going to be a relationship, you have certain expectations, and expectations are bad in a relationship. Does this make sense?

I mean, in my opinion, you shouldn't constrain yourself against spending a lot of time with someone, if that's what you really want to do and that's what they really want to do, and the situation is right for it. But personally, for me, "friends first" rather than "let's just be friends" is a better tactic.

Posted by: Jordan on January 28, 2003 02:35 PM

Jordan,
I agree with you... It isn't really the amount of time that I spend with someone, it is the level of expectation. When you label something as a date, there is pressure...

Posted by: Shawn Walker on January 28, 2003 04:04 PM

I think your heart works faster than a relationship can develop. You want that magic and you want it very much. You want depth, and warmth. A rock rolling not only gathers no moss, but has no time to set a foundation into the ground, or lay in the sun to collect warmth.

Jackson

Posted by: Jackson on January 28, 2003 04:12 PM

Jackson,

True, that is a good way to explain how I feel, but I know that building a relationship is something that takes time and effort.

What I am trying to say is that I want to start future relationships in a different way. In order to have the longer relationships (1,2 years), I need to take things slow. Instant relationships are rare and I am willing to invest the time and hopefully the patience to create something like that in the future.

Posted by: Shawn Walker on January 28, 2003 04:19 PM

I feel a need to say something.

I know I probally started some of these thoughs, but I think you can start to develop an honest relationship with anyone, you need to be genuine all thet way through. I would say it is the depth of the relationship that matters, and the "dang l word" comes in after people feel a certain depth has been reached, not that things can't go further, or shouldnt go further, but there is enough care and mutual respect to merit utilizing such a term.

And relaize the l word means nothing unless you attach meanings to it.

Nick

Posted by: Nick on January 28, 2003 10:39 PM

Hhhhhhhmmmmm, I don't know. I hope you don't expect your next relationship to follow an exactly set pattern, "we're going to do/feel/whatever X at this point, Y at the next, etc."; keep in mind that the other half of this next relationship has his own feelings/thoughts about it.........I hope you do atleast consider an extensive amount of communication about where you two want to go before a lot of time and emotions are invested into it.

But that's just sleep-deprived, stressed, involuntarily-single-for-all-eternity me. I know I might not make sense ;).

Posted by: Lin on January 29, 2003 12:25 AM

Maybe you should try a plant, or a pet instead of a b/f.

Posted by: Brent on January 29, 2003 10:17 AM

Or you could always try the sleeping-around dodging-STD's thing! Become a big man-whore!

Posted by: Jordan on January 29, 2003 02:31 PM

But just make sure that you don't become the center of any "clusters of whores" and not get offended when you think others call you a trick. Remember to do this on the "DL". :)

Posted by: Lin on January 29, 2003 04:15 PM

Hmmm, maybe I should just sleep around. At least that is what my horoscope tells me to do... Gotta get the sexual energy out... Wait, I don't have anyone to get it "out" with.

I know that the comments are about to go downhill from here. ;)

Posted by: Shawn Walker on January 29, 2003 04:23 PM

We're about to make a commenting record on Shawn's site! Yippee!

Oh and Lin, you crack me up :)

Posted by: Jordan on January 29, 2003 11:52 PM

*In really faux British accent* Yes, yes, we are, aren't we.........!yay! *the accent ended before !yay!)*

FYI Jordan - the same goes to you (and I did include your page to my links on my website if that's okay {if not I can take it off}. Either way you're super. :)

Posted by: Lin on January 30, 2003 03:47 PM

I will return the flava when I get around to it... I'm not lazy, I'm just partially paralyzed!

Posted by: Jordan on January 30, 2003 10:08 PM

Now we are REALLY going to break a record... and it seems Shawn doesn't even care... *sniff, sniff*...

Posted by: Jordan on January 30, 2003 10:09 PM

Shawn, why don't you care?

Damnit, stop making Jordan cry ;).

Posted by: Lin on January 31, 2003 09:23 PM

Well, I do think that is kind of cool that I have over 15 comments... I never really thought that my semi-public thoughts would end up being this popular.

Posted by: Shawn Walker on February 2, 2003 01:00 PM

the only people you can trust are your family and family. i had a long time friend scum bag me and seen it happen to other people. so with relationships always take them slow and love yourself and have confidence in yourself and the cards will flow......

Posted by: crumbs on February 3, 2003 09:31 AM

I realize that this is an old entry. But I've had anoter response to it. I've posted it at: http://www.inmff.net/peidm/archives/000632.html.

Nick

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