My fortune when I logged into my server a few moments ago...
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
I just posted my photos from CommonGround's Coming Out Day celebration. You can view them here.
The trials and tribulations of a computer science student can be found here
Well, mom's ashes arrived today. I really wasn't expecting to see the box when I walked through the door. There was a box wrapped in brown paper with a return address stamp and my address written in black sharpie marker. For $75.00, you would expect some sort of fancy box with at least a printed address label. Though it did cost over $21.00 dollars to mail the box via the USPS.
I just stood in the doorway and stared at the box. I mean it is not like my mother is really in the box (it is her plus the last couple of people that were cremated before her). She is gone now and what is left are just her ashes. It has just thrown me for a loop because each contact that I have with the lawyer, phone call I make, and now the ashes makes her death more real. Her death is slowly coming close to home for me and I have to realize that it really happened. That I will never be able to run up to her and sweep her up in my arms with a great big hug. I will never get to her her laugh with me again.
It really isn't the ashes that bother me. It is the reality of what I have lost. But on the other hand, my mother has blessed me with many gifts. It it wasn't for her, I would not be the man that I am today.
I know that she will always be with me in my heart. Life has changed and will continue to change.
Mom, I still love you... Please don't ever forget that. I know that you always loved me too. May we both find peace.
Is is possible for me to EVER have a relationship without drama? It seems that it is NOT possible at all. Right when I think that I have found a nice guy to give my attention to, something dramatic happens. Either someone has an ax to grind against this person or they turn out to be some sort of a freak of nature.
Maybe I just don't have enough drama in my own life and I am only attracted to people who can provide it for me. Should I just switch to women?
The word is still out on this one, but it seems like I have been thrown into a fight betwen to "friends" (more like ex-friends).
So far, this week has been fairly foggy. Though there are many moments of extreme clarity and joy. I arrived back from Las Vegas on Monday morning (12:15AM). On Monday, I started the process of getting the estate settled. I have retained the services of a lawyer, so this should make my life a bit easier.
In Las Vegas, my family is being their normal greedy selves. Their first priority is to get as much money as possible from my mother. Even after her death!
She should arrive in a small box sometime next week, so that will be a somewhat odd event. I am not sure were I will put her ashes, but I am going to try and not shake the box.
I did go back to school, but it is more of a hit or miss affair. Sometimes, I feel like I am just wondering around in a fog. I have extreme clarity, but not too much motivation right now. Sometimes I can go to class and other times, I just have to leave campus.
Jeremy has been awesome. I really, really hope that this turns into something true that lasts more then two weeks/a month! Elyse, Jordan, Deb, & Jean have been great as well. They are there when I need them and also give me the space when I need that.
There have been some great people in CG also. I am trying to figure out if I should resign from the board. Not sure if I have the energy to devote to me, CG, school, work, and the Youth Summit... Who knows what will happen.
Also, I finally sold my computer! Now I will be able to eat and pay my bills! :)
I am trying to get back to my "normal" (whatever that is!) life, but everything has changed on me again. I will never be the same, but I have to work, finish school, and have a full life. My mother would want that at the least. I know that she was always proud of me and I want to keep it that way. Because of her, I have a very special perspective on life. Thanks mom... I still miss you!!!
Well, I'm off to Las Vegas to start putting my mother's estate in order. I hate that city and hope that I never have to go back again.
There has been such an outpouring of love from from friends... Thank you everyone. I'll make it through with your help.
Dear Mom,
This is for me more then it is really for you because you are gone now. I whish that you would have given me one last chance to say "I Love You". There was never a time in my life when I did not love you with all of my heart and I will never stop loving you. I'm not sure why you did it and I may never understand, but at least you are no longer in pain for once in your life. I am saddened by the fact that you will never see me graduate from college, get married, have children, or actually know that man that I have become. The man that I have become because of you. We have been through many things together, but now I must continue the rest of my life alone. I am going to miss you and I wish that it didn't have to me this way.
I don't know what life after death is like, but I hope that you are watching over me.
All my love!
Your only son,
Shawn